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Traffic Magistrate Christopher Benjamin played a series of dramatic videos of crashes caught on tape by red-light cameras. The people in the audience gasped each time someone t-boned a car, flipped over a railing, struck a motorcyclist or nearly plowed through a line of kids crossing the street.
“Ladies and gentlemen, please rise,” Benjamin told the audience after playing the videos. And then he surprised everyone. “Be safe out there. Case dismissed. Thank you.”
Three times that recent afternoon, groups of 20 or more filed into the courtroom, only to learn one of the quirks in the uneven enforcement of the state’s red-light camera tickets. Hundreds of tickets issued by Florida City for running red lights have been dismissed in recent months after drivers failed to pay them. That’s because the small town at the southern reaches of the county simply wasn’t sending an officer the 50 miles to court in Miami.
The way the state’s red-light camera statute is enforced varies depending on which city or county someone is ticketed in, and how the ticketed person tries to resolve the ticket.
Broward cities aren’t currently using red-light cameras pending the outcome of high-profile litigation.
While the differing enforcement may turn out to be a key issue for the Florida Supreme Court, which agreed in mid-May to take a case challenging the cameras, two things remain constant across the state. Like modern-day small-town speed traps, the cameras raise significant revenues for cities and the state, and the tickets cause thousands of car owners statewide to have their licenses suspended every year. Approximately 40 percent of those suspensions happen to Miami-Dade drivers, according to records compiled by the Department of Highway Safety and Motor Vehicles.
Sunday, 25 June 2017 11:26

Happy Hour: Pick of the Week

It's off season,  I love off season, don't get me wrong, I love season too. For those who have been here for any length of time know we can't survive without our tourist and friends that come to call our little paradise home for the winter months, yet this is the time of year that “us” locals get to enjoy our little slice of heaven. 
I so enjoy going into a restaurant without all the crowds and more importantly... no waiting. Welcomed by the happy faces that are glad to see me, feeling more appreciated is good. Let me be clear here,  the welcome I receive in season is wonderful most of the time, but the combination of less volume and smaller crowds, with various restaurants all vying for our attention, make for a noticeable difference in off season. I haven't even mentioned the fantastic happy hours and dining specials that are much easier to enjoy this time of year. 
Happy hours are the early-bird specials of the 21st century.  If you eat early enough, you can get an inexpensive meal. Whether it's strategic meal planning or a cost-effective way to check out a new place.
In this week’s feature, we introduce our Food Critic, Peter Dellaforte who uncovered a great spot that has discounted drinks and food, on the back bay. BayFront Bistro is located on Fort Myers Beach behind the Publix at Snook Bight Marina, 4761 Estero Boulevard.
Happy hour is 3pm-6pm at the Upstairs Bar and Downstairs Bars. Come enjoy 50% off any dinner appetizers along with 50% off wines, call liquors, and beer!
We each started off with the Ahi Tuna Tartar, chunks of sushi grade tuna, seaweed salad, avocado pieces and carrot slivers all tossed with a chili soy sauce, served as a tower over sliced cucumbers, some sriracha sauce on the side, a crispy wanton, wasabi and ginger.
We continued with the Sweet Fire Shrimp, Prince Edward Island Mussels and the Brie Apps.
We found the Sweet Fire Shrimp, to be excellent, the lightly fried shrimp tossed in a spicy aioli sauce served in a crispy wanton bowl. Excellent blend of spices that I would call medium heat. Splitting this dish was a mistake, so we ordered another.
The Prince Edward Island Mussels were sautéed with shitake mushrooms & sweet onions in a rich & slightly spicy sambal & sherry wine butter sauce & finished with crostini for dipping. We recommend shelling all the mussels when you get the dish and letting the shucked mussels sit in the sauce. You'll want to order some extra bread with this for dipping. This dish comes in a little hotter on the spice chart but still easy on the palette. 
The Brie is baked in a pastry puff covering and served warmed just right, with fresh berries and cranberry compote which was a great transition dish between the other spicier selections.
We recommend the Bay Front Bistro and look forward to returning to try their other tasty dishes. 
239-463-3663 or at:
Peter Dellaforte
Friends and Family will get together at the Surf Club on Fort Myers Beach, Sunday July 2nd to celebrate the life and memory of Bruce Cermak, long time resident and loved beach icon who passed away on the same date one year ago.
The event will be held as a food drive to benefit the Harry Chappin Food Bank and be in a Luau theme.
Friends and guests are asked to come and have a good time and bring a food donation, any form of can goods or dry goods like cereal, beans, pasta and rice, even fresh fruits and vegetables are put to good use by the food bank.
There will be live music, free food, prizes for best dressed Hawaiian, Hoola Hoop and Limbo contests, drink specials, guest bartenders and more. As a special treat, any one that brings in a food donation will get a Leis, now that sounds like a good time for a great cause.
Sunday, July 2nd starting at 1pm, at The Surf Club, located at 1167 Estero Blvd
Fort Myers Beach, Florida.
Hope to see you there!
Tuesday, 20 June 2017 18:56

What happened to American loyalty?

With fourth of July around the corner, thoughts of liberty, and most of all “loyalty,” are the values we think of.
But as we look around America today, it is hard to conceive that the relationships we once had with friends, loyalists, and even some trusted kinships cannot to be found anymore. This denigrating of loyalty in our society has transformed our lives. Those we trusted have deserted us for narcissistic gain.
What happened to moral America? What happened to our nation? Who decimated our values and our homogeneity? Why do we feel betrayed?  What has invaded our society, alliances, even separated some families? Weren’t we taught that blood and loyalty is thicker than water?
Those of us who grew up during the Cold War had a critical bond for self-survival. I remember the times the air raid sirens would start bellowing on the last Friday of every month. The ear piercing decibels rang through our heads like the shriek of a cat’s horror when his tail got caught under a rocking chair!
But those practice sessions reinforced the importance of unity. We knew one nuclear bomb could decimate America if the Reds penetrated our ozone. The Red Scare was redoubtable and corporal and this contrivance united us in intimacy. We were bonded allies, huddled in unison, chaperoning each other if the ultimate tragedy ignited! We were united; siblings, friends, teachers and nuns. We gave sanctuary to each other. We cared, were devoted and promised our loyalty to all.
When those portentous forewarnings pealed into the classrooms with rancor and acrimony, they caught many of us off guard. Sometimes we were denuded agglomerating in the backroom clothes closet, under the dark shadows of our uniform jackets. We were terrified, scared, and some of us cried while others comforted us with sanctimonious prayer.
When those loud warring heliographs wailed for no reason, the nuns would pick up their rosaries and we would pray sheltered in safety under our student desks. Although we knew if this was a real Bolshevik attack, the refuge provided by those meager asylums would offer us less protection than our rosary beads. But we knew the prayers we were saying and our unity was the only thing that could save us from annihilation. For God would save us!
Dr. King use to tell us, “In the darkest of dark hours ‘unity and loyalty’ would lead us to victory.” As we look back at those hard times and the courage and fortitude that it instilled in all of us, it makes all God-fearing Americans wonder why our kindred and personal relationships and sacred societal unities have so perilously decayed? That question can only be ameliorated if we ascertain who is carrying the moral torch of authority that mitigates our ‘righteousness.’
For eons, it was the religion of our country that dictated our moral values and taught us to love our families and mankind. They brought out our values of justice and compassion for all. If you had high moral values, making good decisions was easy.
But in recent decades, the religions in America have lost out to the public authority in teaching our young the necessity to respect families, friends, and society in the name of the Commandments of God. The reality is that the secular world pays little attention to the church, and the teachers unions in our common core schools make little if any reference to our Lord the Almighty Redeemer. Since today 90 percent of America’s youngsters attend public schools and get no exposure to religion there, the consequences are obvious.
The only moral or religious training they get is from their families and churches. Yet they spend the multitude of their developing lives under the guidance of teachers, divergent of faith. The teachers abide by a new kind of bible; common core textbooks! These emulate little homage to the teaching of the morals and values we used to learn.
A new secular consensus of human values, human rights, and human responsibilities replaced religion in our schools years ago. These values were established by politically motivated groups, teachers unions, and governments void of all organized religious curriculum. The restriction of even the mention of the word of God has had a decadent and demeaning affect on kindred relationships and social order.
Since the laws of our nation were built on the axioms of The Commandments, if we don’t learn them at an analytical age, how will we ever learn the very concepts of being legal and ethical? Our founders used them to fortify the core moral fabric that laid the foundation for our great republican nation.
This secular approach to organized society with government and teachers unions making their rules and own set of commandments has decried social order. The new moral mandates they teach students to live by have not only affected our nation and its institutions but is has brandished harsh and unforgiving values on many of our families’ ties.
Those moral generation gaps that used to be bridged with strong religious beliefs no longer exist. And this tenantless void has resulted in the disunion of those with intrinsic religious values and those with secular beliefs. This is reflected throughout American institutions, governments, and colleges today. This carnage of our morals and values is destroying America.
Our public schools have been forbidden to make reference to any Christian beliefs, yet they have been instructed by our liberal government to teach tolerance to our children of those pulpiteering the desecration of our republic. The Supreme Court has been vigilantly supporting the government and teachers unions banning access to the Word of God in public schools.
So now the moral and value codes we used to learn can only be taught in our homes and our churches. Those authentic values that influence us to lead good lives are forbidden by Common Core and other attempts to control curriculum in schools.
The lack of morals and values has created a class of “I’ll do what is best for me” in society. Not only do few stand up for what is right if they can find profit in what is wrong, but even worse, there are those who bury their heads in the sand. Those are the worst cowards of all: for those are the ones who have values and morals but are too terrified to expose themselves and get involved.
Instead of standing up for principle and fighting back when they see a wrong they run and hide under the bed. Yet they are the only ones left who can save the moral character of our great republic and a society that is “paving the road to hell with bad intentions.”
The moral decay of loyalty and unity with our families, friends, and alliances that once made this country great has turned into self-righteous indignation for personal intemperance. It’s time for the few who still can decipher between right and wrong to step up and show our loyalty.
It is our lack of values, morals and–most prudently–loyalty that will bring us to our knees.  Salute your flag and rekindle your loyalty today.
William Haupt III
Baby teeth from children with autism contain more toxic lead and less of the essential nutrients zinc and manganese, compared to teeth from children without autism, according to an innovative study funded by the National Institute of Environmental Health Sciences, NIEHS, part of the National Institutes of Health.
The researchers studied twins to control genetic influences and focus on possible environmental contributors to the disease.
The findings, published today in the journal “Nature Communications,” suggest that differences in early-life exposure to metals, or more importantly how a child’s body processes them, may affect the risk of autism.
Autism spectrum disorder, or ASD, is a complex developmental disability; signs typically appear during early childhood and affect a person’s ability to communicate, and interact with others. ASD is defined by a certain set of behaviors and is a “spectrum condition” that affects individuals differently and to varying degrees. There is no known single cause of autism.
Symptoms include: lack of or delay in spoken language, repetitive use of language or motor mannerisms such as hand-flapping, twirling objects, little or no eye contact and lack of interest in peer relationships.
About one percent of the world population has autism spectrum disorder, according to 2014 figures from the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention in Atlanta.
Prevalence in the United States is estimated at one in 68 births, and in 2014, the latest year for which figures are available more than 3.5 million Americans were living with an autism spectrum disorder.
Autism is the fastest-growing developmental disability in the United States. Prevalence of autism in U.S. children increased by 119.4 percent from 2000 (1 in 150) to 2010 (1 in 68).
Autism services cost U.S. citizens $236-262 billion annually, according to the nonprofit Autism Society.
The NIEHS study shows that the differences in metal uptake between children with and without autism were especially notable during the months just before and after the children were born. The scientists determined this by using lasers to map the growth rings in baby teeth generated during different developmental periods.
The researchers observed higher levels of lead in children with autism throughout development, with the greatest disparity observed during the period following birth.
They also observed lower uptake of manganese in children with autism, both before and after birth. The pattern was more complex for zinc. Children with autism had lower zinc levels earlier in the womb, but these levels then increased after birth, compared to children without autism.
“We think autism begins very early, most likely in the womb, and research suggests that our environment can increase a child’s risk. But by the time children are diagnosed at age 3 or 4, it’s hard to go back and know what the moms were exposed to,” said Cindy Lawler, Ph.D., head of the NIEHS Genes, Environment, and Health Branch. “With baby teeth, we can actually do that.”
Patterns of metal uptake were compared using teeth from 32 pairs of twins and 12 individual twins. The researchers compared patterns in twins where only one had autism, as well as in twins where both or neither had autism.
Smaller differences in the patterns of metal uptake occurred when both twins had autism. Larger differences occurred in twins where only one sibling had autism.
The findings build on prior research showing that exposure to toxic metals, such as lead, and deficiencies of essential nutrients, like manganese, may harm brain development while in the womb or during early childhood. Although manganese is an essential nutrient, it can also be toxic at high doses. Exposure to both lead and high levels of manganese has been associated with autism traits and severity.
The study was led by Manish Arora, Ph.D., an environmental scientist and dentist at the Icahn School of Medicine at Mount Sinai in New York.
With support from NIEHS, Arora and colleagues had previously developed a method that used naturally shed baby teeth to measure children’s exposure to lead and other metals while in the womb and during early childhood.
The researchers use lasers to extract precise layers of dentine, the hard substance beneath tooth enamel, for metal analysis. The team previously showed that the amount of lead in different layers of dentine corresponds to lead exposure during different developmental periods.
Arora said that autism is a condition where both genes and environment play a role, but figuring out which environmental exposures may increase risk has been difficult.
“What is needed is a window into our fetal life,” he said. “Unlike genes, our environment is constantly changing, and our body’s response to environmental stressors not only depends on just how much we were exposed to, but at what age we experienced that exposure.”
Prior studies relating toxic metals and essential nutrients to autism have faced key limitations, such as estimating exposure based on blood levels after autism diagnosis rather than before, or not being able to control for differences that could be due to genetic factors.
“A lot of studies have compared current lead levels in kids that are already diagnosed,” said Lawler. “Being able to measure something the children were exposed to long before diagnosis is a major advantage.”
The method of using baby teeth to measure past exposure to metals also holds promise for other disorders, such as attention deficit hyperactivity disorder.
“There is growing excitement about the potential of baby teeth as a rich record of a child’s early life exposure to both helpful and harmful factors in the environment,” said David Balshaw, Ph.D., head of the NIEHS Exposure, Response, and Technology Branch, which supported the development of the tooth method.
The researchers note that replication in larger studies is needed to confirm the connection between metal uptake and autism.
© Environment News Service (ENS) 2017.
Saturday, 17 June 2017 16:38

Freedom Requires Constant Vigilance

There has been nothing more glorious, no advancement more lauded, no cause more worthy, no struggle more just, than the American experiment in self-government and individual liberty.
Since the dawn of time, man has been nothing more than a pawn of forces greater than himself. Then, a mere two centuries ago, a band of men gathered together and conceived the idea that the power of government should be used not to control men but to protect them from the forces of tyranny.
At a small town in Massachusetts, that idea was put into action as American farmers took up arms against the king's soldiers and declared that they would no longer be subjects, but free individuals with a say in their own destiny.
Since the first American death in that War of Independence, more than a million men and women have made the ultimate sacrifice to keep alive the idea that individuals are more important than the state.
Generations of Americans have sacrificed sons and daughters in the great struggle of freedom. As we try to impress upon you on these pages, freedom requires constant vigilance against those who would oppress us.
Since the "shot heard round the world" was fired 227 years ago, millions of men and women have answered the call to defend America's homeland and the idea of freedom. Many came home in body bags or were buried on foreign soil.
Unfortunately, many of those soldiers were killed in wars that were not entirely popular, necessary or just. Our nation's history is riddled with debates on whether a particular war should have been fought.
World War II would seem to have been a just war if ever there was one. Still, isolationists felt we should not be involved in what they considered mainly a European or Asian conflict.
The common thread in all these wars is that Americans answered the call to duty. They performed, for the most part, with honor, courage and integrity.
Those are the traits that must endure to ensure that our system of limited government-- of the people, by the people and for the people-- shall never perish from the Earth.
With all that is happening in the world these days, I am reminded that Memorial day is not just about picnics or the beginning of summer. It is about remembering and  honoring the men and women who have served, or are serving today, admirably and bravely. I am reminded to do so, not only on a  holiday, but to be grateful to those men and women .... every day!
We hope you all enjoyed  your three-day weekend, but we remind you to never lose sight of why you had the opportunity to spend time with your friends and family.
For every hero we know about, there are thousands more who gave generously of themselves. We owe them our gratitude -- and our continuing vigilance to protect the  freedom some of us take for granted.
Remember that the freedom for you to read this newspaper or to have a cookout in your back yard stems from sacrifices made by others, and remember.... every day is Memorial Day.
Saturday, 17 June 2017 15:15

Reform Nation's Air-Traffic Control

Over the past week, Americans have heard considerable blowback over President Donald Trump's proposal to privatize the nation's air-traffic control system. Trump's plan would put the system under a nonprofit board rather than the Federal Aviation Administration and -- as Trump puts it -- speed the modernization of "an ancient, broken, antiquated, horrible system that doesn't work.
And almost everyone who knows what they're talking about is already on board with change.
That includes most of the nation's airports and the powerful airline industry association. It also, surprisingly, includes the airline pilots association and air-traffic controllers union -- despite the fact that modernization will almost certainly reduce the number of human beings required to keep American aviation safe and secure.
Why? Because the situation is dire. The number of planes in the sky keeps growing, and the stress on the nation's airports with it. Yet the nation's current air-traffic control system still relies on antiquated World War II-era radar and radio communications. The trade group for America's airlines estimates that flight delays due to antiquated equipment cost the nation roughly $12 billion a year.
As other nations modernize, this country's forward progress has been strangled by bureaucracy and short-sighted budget shenanigans. Putting the system under a nonprofit board could cut through much of that red tape. And the United States has plenty of experience to follow -- more than 50 nations including Canada, Great Britain, Germany and Australia have already shifted their air-traffic control systems at least partially away from government.
The path to adopting the so-called "NextGen" air-traffic control system isn't simple. Planes must be outfitted with the latest equipment; new systems must be installed at the nation's airports; and controllers and pilots will have to be retrained. Flipping the switch to a satellite-based system has serious implications for smaller airlines and private pilots.
Rolling out NextGen would mean a more responsive, accurate system that allows more planes to be stacked more closely together and fly more direct routes, reducing fuel costs and flight times, and allowing for more efficient use of existing runways.
Among the serious critics of Trump's plan are those who say the United States is already making adequate progress toward implementing NextGen. They also worry about the structure of the new nonprofit's board, which would almost certainly include heavy airline representation. Airlines aren't exactly popular or trusted in the United States.
Those concerns can, and should, be carefully addressed in any legislation setting up the new system -- and knowledgeable critics should weigh in with their suggestions and concerns. But clinging to the old system won't work, and Trump is right to kick off his infrastructure-building agenda by reaching for the sky.
Friday, 16 June 2017 21:38

Happy Father's Day & The History Of

Father's Day is a celebration honoring fathers and celebrating fatherhood, paternal bonds, and the influence of fathers in society. In Catholic Europe, it has been celebrated on March 19 , Yes... March 19 (St. Joseph's Day) since the Middle Ages.  Father's Day is now celebrated worldwide to recognize the contribution that fathers and father figures make to the lives of their children. It complements similar celebrations honoring family members, such as Mother's Day, Siblings Day and Grandparents Day.  
The nation’s first Father’s Day was celebrated on June 19, 1910, in the state of Washington. However, it was not until 1972, 58 years after President Woodrow Wilson made Mother’s Day official–that the day honoring fathers became a nationwide holiday in the United States.
Origins: After Anna Jarvis' successful promotion of Mother's Day in Grafton, West Virginia, the first observance of a "Father's Day" was held on July 5, 1908, in Fairmont, West Virginia, in the Williams Memorial Methodist Episcopal Church South. Grace Golden Clayton was mourning the loss of her father, when in December 1907 explosions at the Fairmont Coal Company mines, the Monongah Mining Disaster in nearby Monongah killed 362 men, 250 of them fathers, leaving around a thousand fatherless children. Clayton suggested that her pastor Robert Thomas Webb honor all those fathers, it was a one-time commemoration and not an annual holiday.
The next year, a Spokane, Washington, woman named Sonora Smart Dodd, one of six children raised by a widower, tried to establish an official equivalent to Mother’s Day for male parents. She went to local churches, the YMCA, shopkeepers and government officials to drum up support for her idea, and she was successful: Washington State celebrated the nation’s first statewide Father’s Day on June 19, 1910.
President Wilson in 1916 honored the day by using telegraph signals to unfurl a flag in Spokane when he pressed a button in Washington, D.C. In 1924, President Calvin Coolidge urged state governments to observe Father’s Day.
Many men, however, continued to disdain the day. As one historian writes, they “scoffed at the holiday’s sentimental attempts to domesticate manliness with flowers and gift-giving, or they derided the proliferation of such holidays as a commercial gimmick to sell more products–often paid for by the father himself.”
During the 1920s and 1930s, a movement arose to scrap Mother’s Day and Father’s Day altogether in favor of a single holiday, Parents’ Day. Every year on Mother’s Day, pro-Parents’ Day groups rallied in New York City’s Central Park–a public reminder, said Parents’ Day activist and radio performer Robert Spere, “that both parents should be loved and respected together.”
However, the Great Depression derailed this effort to combine and de-commercialize the holidays. Struggling retailers and advertisers upped their efforts to make Father’s Day a “second Christmas” for men, promoting goods such as neckties, hats, socks, pipes and tobacco, golf clubs and other sporting goods, and greeting cards.
When World War II began, advertisers began to argue that celebrating Father’s Day was a way to honor American troops and support the war effort. By the end of the war, Father’s Day may not have been a federal holiday, but it was a national institution.
In 1972, in the middle of a hard-fought presidential re-election campaign, Richard Nixon signed a proclamation making Father’s Day a federal holiday at last.  
In the United States Father's Day is celebrated on the third Sunday of June.  Typically, families gather to celebrate the father figures in their lives.
Today, economists estimate that Americans spend more than $1 billion each year on Father’s Day gifts. 
While I’m sure that’s good for the economy, I still prefer to get something hand made.
Al DiPasquale
For 15 years residents of Estero have been fighting to keep the 4,000 acre Edison Farms property, located across I-75 from the Brooks, free of development and the CR951 roadway, we have a real opportunity to see it acquired for permanent conservation.

On Tuesday morning at 9:30 at the Old Lee County Courthouse, 2120 Main St., downtown Fort Myers, the Lee County Commissioners will make their decision on the current opportunity to purchase the Edison Farms property. 

The property known as Edison Farms is adjacent to Hidden Cypress Preserve--a Conservation 20/20 preserve--and lands maintained by the Corkscrew Regional Ecosystem Watershed (CREW). County commissioners have made preserving Edison Farms a top legislative priority for the past two years and have made prior attempts to acquire the property as a Conservation 20/20 site.During its January 24, 2017, regular meeting, the Board of County Commissioners authorized staff to again explore the possibility of acquiring Edison Farms. County staff responded to Land Solutions' call for offers issued on January 16, 2017, and has been corresponding with the broker since that time. In addition, the County has obtained three appraisals from state certified real estate appraisers. The resulting valuations are $35,160,000; $37,000,000; and $42,435,000. The property seller (Investor's Warranty of America) has represented through Land Solutions, Inc., that it will convey the property to Lee County under the terms specified in Option 2 below.Options at this time:
  1. Do nothing more at this time;
  2. Agree to Seller's terms of $49,000,000 plus documentary stamps and title insurance costs (estimated to be approximately $450,000); no modifications to existing Oil, Gas & Mineral rights (below 140' with ingress/egress held by Collier Land and Cattle Corp. and Barron Collier Resources, LLC); and close no later than October 30, 2017 (this action requires an affirmative vote of 4 Commissioners per Section 125.355, Florida Statutes);
  3. Authorize staff to present an offer to purchase - a) Highest appraised value - sale price of $42,435,000 would ultimately require 4 votes ("extraordinary vote" per Section 125.355, Florida Statutes) b) Average appraised value (or less) - sale price up to $38,198,333 would ultimately require 3 affirmative votes.
What's at Stake:
3,900 acres of quality wetlands critical to Estero's future water supply, flooding control, and wildlife. 

What You Can Do:
Contact commissioners in support of obtaining the entire Edison Farms property in perpetuity. You may also attend the meeting and speak before the Commissioners. 

9:30 a.m. Tuesday, June 20

Old Lee County Courthouse, 2120 Main St., downtown Fort Myers
from ECCL Actions newsletter sharing Village of Estero's original post
Thursday, 15 June 2017 21:12

Medical Advice To Live By

Q: Doctor, I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true? 

A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap. 

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables? 

A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products. 

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake? A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up! Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio? 

A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc. 

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program? 

A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good! 

Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you? 

A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!! ..... Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you? 

Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle? 

A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach. 

Q: Is chocolate bad for me? 

A: Are you crazy? HELLO! Cocoa beans ! Another vegetable!!! It's the best feel-good food around! 

Q: Is swimming good for your figure? 

A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me. 

Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle? 

A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape!


Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets. 

For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies. 

1. The Japanese eat very little fat
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans. 

3. The Chinese drink very little red wine 
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans. 

5. The Germans drink lots of beer, eat lots of sausages
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans. 

Eat and drink what you like.
Speaking English is apparently what kills you.


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